Messy Middles & Turkish Soup

I'll be honest: sometimes there are days that I want to be anywhere other than where God has me. Each day I get these feelings it seems to be in a different capacity.

I was introduced recently to the concept of the "messy middle." The idea behind the term was that in Christian circles, we are quick to tell stories about what God has taught us in the past, or Biblical principles to help address one situation or another. However, what we often neglect to be open and share about is our "messy middles." When was the last time you were completely open and honest with more than just a close friend about what you're struggling through? Not necessarily something you're struggling with, but through. Sometimes the difference between the two is not as obvious, but other times, it is.

I'm working through a messy middle, and I don't like it. I am a perfectionist, so when I don't have things figured out, I tend to over-exaggerate the problem in my mind, and smear it into every other aspect of my life, which typically leads to freaking out and an emotional breakdown (super Biblical, right?! Yeah, no.).

Recently my messy middle has been living now, and not rushing through to the future and all of its worries. I am struggling to live in the Burg right now. I'm struggling to keep my mind within even a mile of my body, instead of wondering what it could be that God has for us next month, next season, next May, next move, next big life change. I'm in the messy middle of neither being here nor there but literally hanging in the middle. This summer was full of so much excitement, change, exploration -- literally every week I lived a different life than the week before. But ever since then, largely, every week has blurred together. Every day my schedule is the same. I go to the same places every week, do the same rotation at work every day, and I hate it.

Some days I find myself praying for a new job; some days wishing I could keep the one I had. Some days it's wanting a new pet, a child, to move to a new state, to move overseas.

I guess the overall summary is that I'm struggling to find joy and contentment where I'm at. One of the reasons that's so frustrating to me is that just two years ago, I thought I had mastered finding joy in every day. For months and months I studied joy and made a conscious effort to learn more about what true joy means and where a child of God finds her joy. I thought I got it, but I'm learning that sometimes when I stop trying so hard (stop relying on God and start believing I've figured it out myself), I revert back to old struggles.

So technically, this messy middle has had its ups and downs for about 2 years. As a type-A perfectionist, that's frustrating.

In my mind I know I can't do those things: I can't move, I can't get another pet, and I can't have children yet. So the ways I act on this need for change; this lack of contentment to be where I am -- I move things. I rearrange the house. The problem is that it all usually just ends up going back where it came from and no one ever knows I tried. I (whether consciously or subconsciously, I don't know) hide my messes.

I wonder if a good, long day trip would "fix me."

I wonder if this is just part of the transition TCK (third culture kid) to a TCA (third culture adult).

I wonder if this is going to be something I struggle with for the rest of my life, simply because there are such a plethora of locations, cultures, and destinations I can "rightfully" long for.

Today, I made soup. I was excited about getting a "taste of home," until I finished it. Only after I had completely finished making the soup did I realize that this soup is from a place that I never even lived!

It's from a country that I never claimed as my own. It's from a culture that none of my family currently lives amongst.

What do I do with that?!

Who craves something that isn't even a part of who they really are?

Or is this somehow a part of my identity that even I have hidden from myself?

No one prepares you for these kinds of days/emotions/thoughts. And typically you don't even get a friendly "Hey, you're about to have an indescribably complicatedly emotional day."

They just come. And they wreck you. It's like a messy middle inside of a larger messy middle, but the messes are harder to clear up together than separately because they're so mangled together you don't know which sub-mess belongs to which.

Which feelings are my lack of contentment? Which feelings are homesickness? (Can I even call it homesickness? I never lived there.) How much of this is situational, and how much of this is because of my past? Is this going to be the "new me?"

I guess the cool thing about the messy middle is that I know that I'm not seeing the end goal. I don't have all the answers, and that's ok, because I'm still stuck in the mud. But I don't want to be in the mud. I want to know why I feel this way.

I want to know what other aspects of my life are being affected by these emotions.

I want to understand myself.

I can't.

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As I mentioned, I made soup! And it's pretty legit, if I do say so myself! So here's the recipe:

Mercimek Çorbasi - Turkish Lentil Soup (typically served with rice and/or bread on the side)

1 tsp olive oil

1 medium onion (diced)

1/2 tsp flour

2 small tomatoes (diced)

1 medium carrot (sliced into rounds)

1 pinch of sugar

1 tbsp mint

1 cup rinsed lentils

1 tbsp butter

1 liter boiling water

salt and pepper to taste

*lemon wedges and red pepper flakes to garnish if desired

Cover one cup of lentils in water, rinse twice, and let sit in water third time. Drain just before use.

Sauté onion in olive oil until transparent. Add in carrot, tomatoes, and flour, and sauté till tomatoes are runny. Sprinkle with sugar and mint; cook till fragrant. Pour in lentils and stir till all are warm. Top with 1 tbsp butter and melt. Then cover with 1 liter boiling water and salt and pepper. Boil until carrots are soft.

Process with blender stick until smooth and thick. Simmer a few more minutes, and then serve immediately. Garnish with lemon juice and red pepper flakes for an extra zing. Enjoy.